by Frank Cassano
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Thinking ahead, I booked an eight-bedroom cabin in wine country so my family would have the very best view of the eclipse. And we’ve been hoarding a rare bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild just for the occasion!
—Janet Bessinger, Pearl District
Congratulations on being another oblivious, overprivileged white person, you entitled sack of liver spots! But for the sake of argument, let’s see how many people give two shits about your so-called organizational abilities. Tallying the results, and... NO ONE. Absolutely no one fucking cares about your overpriced cabin, your skunky-ass bottle of wine, or YOU. In fact, your family just called to say that as soon as they drain your savings account, they’re gonna cram you in the nearest budget nursing home so you can spend the rest of your shitty, empty life in the manner you deserve: penniless and ALONE. Enjoy the eclipse, fuckwit!—Frank Cassano