TUESDAY, JUNE 20
RUMOR ALERT! Inept White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, AKA “Li’l Spicey,” might be getting shit-canned! According to CNN, the White House is “mulling a new role” for Li’l Spicey—one “that would take him away from the podium and into a different role inside the West Wing.” It’s tempting to come up with jobs that might be a better fit for Li’l Spicey—like sipping a juice box in a beanbag chair, picking his nose and watching Phineas and Ferb and never ever participating in governmental communications ever again. But Trump’s BFF advisor, the sentient vein-strained tumor calling itself Steve Bannon, wants everyone to know the real reason Li’l Spicey’s getting fired... because he’s not that li’l. “Asked why the briefings are now routinely held off-camera,” reports the Atlantic’s Rosie Gray, “White House chief strategist Steve Bannon said in a text message 'Sean got fatter,’ and did not respond to a follow-up.”MEANWHILE... For no particular reason, dears, a reminder: As the Constitution notes, America was founded “in order to form a more perfect union.” But if you squint, down at the very bottom of the parchment, in teeny-tiny cursive, you can see that oft-forgotten footnote: “In addition, America was also founded so that Steve Bannon can text about how he thinks Sean Spicer is fat.” That bile stinging the back of your throat, dears? That’s just your patriotism. It’s almost Fourth of July, after all!