by Ann Romano
![DONALD TRUMP What, is it 4 am already? Well, time to write an unhinged tweet.]( "DONALD TRUMP What, is it 4 am already? Well, time to write an unhinged tweet.")
Greetings, loved ones! You know, as Donald Trump—who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, don’tchaknow—continues to use the Constitution as his personal wet wipe, it’s easy to forget there are other terrible people in our government also doing terrible things... say, for example, the Senate GOP. Quick history lesson: Just last month, White House mouthpiece Sean Spicer told us that when the Senate GOP finally got the chance to rejigger Obamacare, it wouldn’t be in secret. “When it was done last time,” Spicer crowed, “it was jammed down people’s throats, and look what happened.” (What happened was millions of Americans finally got the life-saving coverage they needed... but we digress.) Anyway, the GOP was going to do their health care plan differently, right? Hahahahahaaaaa... NO. According to the Washington Post, not only are Senate Republicans writing their health care revision in absolute secrecy, today they also outlawed television cameras in the hallways of the Capitol in order to avoid taking questions about their shenanigans. When asked by a reporter why it was so important at this moment to deny television cameras in the hallways, GOP Sen. Tim Scott said, “Cameras could catch the pin numbers of Senators at ATM machines.” Wow. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW.That’s it for today, dears. Excuse us while we submerge ourselves in a bathtub filled with martinis.
Look! In the distance! Atop a dark steed and shrouded in a haze of cigarette smoke, garbled tweets, and spray-tan mist is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—One Day veteran Lindsay Lohan. As the newest harbinger of our impending doom, LiLo has actually landed herself (wait for it...) an actual, paying acting gig. True, that’s a real jaw dropper, but careful! You don’t want spray-tan particulates in your mouth. According to Dlisted, “Lindsay has joined the second season of the British comedy series Sick Note.” The show—which we haven’t heard of either—“stars Rupert Grint as an insurance rep who is misdiagnosed with a terminal illness and decides to hide the misdiagnosis from everyone.” So Ron Weasley and Lindsay Lohan together? We always suspected LiLo was a Horcrux. MEANWHILE... On the one-year anniversary of the tragic Pulse nightclub shootings that left 49 dead, the Trace reports that an Orlando, Florida, cemetery caretaker named Don Price is a very, very good person. “About a week after the shooting... Price worried that the services might be picketed by the fervently anti-gay members of the Westboro Baptist Church. So he acquired a parade permit from the city, which allowed him to shut down a lane of the adjacent road. For further privacy, he overlaid a dark screen over the chain-link fence that separates the road from the graves.” Then this prince of a man “decorated the barrier’s interior with rainbow and American flags.” Now that’s a master lesson in decency. “I’ve met hundreds of people connected to Pulse,” he said. “And I’ve given out a lot of hugs.” Excuse us, I think we got some of Lindsay’s spray-tan mist in our eye.
DONALD TRUMP"What, is it 4 am already? Well, time to write an unhinged tweet."Pool / Getty
MONDAY, JUNE 12
Greetings, loved ones! You know, as Donald Trump—who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, don’tchaknow—continues to use the Constitution as his personal wet wipe, it’s easy to forget there are other terrible people in our government also doing terrible things... say, for example, the Senate GOP. Quick history lesson: Just last month, White House mouthpiece Sean Spicer told us that when the Senate GOP finally got the chance to rejigger Obamacare, it wouldn’t be in secret. “When it was done last time,” Spicer crowed, “it was jammed down people’s throats, and look what happened.” (What happened was millions of Americans finally got the life-saving coverage they needed... but we digress.) Anyway, the GOP was going to do their health care plan differently, right? Hahahahahaaaaa... NO. According to the Washington Post, not only are Senate Republicans writing their health care revision in absolute secrecy, today they also outlawed television cameras in the hallways of the Capitol in order to avoid taking questions about their shenanigans. When asked by a reporter why it was so important at this moment to deny television cameras in the hallways, GOP Sen. Tim Scott said, “Cameras could catch the pin numbers of Senators at ATM machines.” Wow. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW.That’s it for today, dears. Excuse us while we submerge ourselves in a bathtub filled with martinis.
TUESDAY, JUNE 13
Look! In the distance! Atop a dark steed and shrouded in a haze of cigarette smoke, garbled tweets, and spray-tan mist is one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—One Day veteran Lindsay Lohan. As the newest harbinger of our impending doom, LiLo has actually landed herself (wait for it...) an actual, paying acting gig. True, that’s a real jaw dropper, but careful! You don’t want spray-tan particulates in your mouth. According to Dlisted, “Lindsay has joined the second season of the British comedy series Sick Note.” The show—which we haven’t heard of either—“stars Rupert Grint as an insurance rep who is misdiagnosed with a terminal illness and decides to hide the misdiagnosis from everyone.” So Ron Weasley and Lindsay Lohan together? We always suspected LiLo was a Horcrux. MEANWHILE... On the one-year anniversary of the tragic Pulse nightclub shootings that left 49 dead, the Trace reports that an Orlando, Florida, cemetery caretaker named Don Price is a very, very good person. “About a week after the shooting... Price worried that the services might be picketed by the fervently anti-gay members of the Westboro Baptist Church. So he acquired a parade permit from the city, which allowed him to shut down a lane of the adjacent road. For further privacy, he overlaid a dark screen over the chain-link fence that separates the road from the graves.” Then this prince of a man “decorated the barrier’s interior with rainbow and American flags.” Now that’s a master lesson in decency. “I’ve met hundreds of people connected to Pulse,” he said. “And I’ve given out a lot of hugs.” Excuse us, I think we got some of Lindsay’s spray-tan mist in our eye.