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One Day at a Time: Oh, Waiter? We Need a Refill for Our Goblet of Male Tears.

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by Ann Romano

JARED KUSHNER  White male tear receptacle.
JARED KUSHNER White male tear receptacle.Getty

MONDAY, MAY 29

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where we grow strong by drinking the tears of whimpering men. And this week’s whimpering men are weeping up a flood! The mighty deluge was brought about by news that the Alamo Drafthouse theater in Austin, Texas, is “embracing our girl power and saying ‘No Guys Allowed’” for a screening of Wonder Woman open only to those who identify as women. “And when we say ‘People Who Identify as Women Only,’ we mean it,” the theater added. “Everyone working at this screening—venue staff, projectionist, and culinary team—will be female.” Cue the sweaty hordes of neckbearded, Cheeto-dusted man-children! “Great, let us know when you have guys-only screenings of Thor, Spider-Man, Star Wars, etc. Let’s see you walk the walk now that you set this precedence,” wrote one outraged Facebook misogynist, who, as Lorena O’Neil at the Hollywood Reporter pointed out,“meant to say ‘precedent.’” But the true heroes might be the theater’s social media team, who took it upon themselves to reply to the crybaby dipshits. “When one man asked if they had ever held a men-only screening,” wrote O’Neil, “the Drafthouse said, ‘We’ve never done showings where you had to be a man to get in, but we *did* show the Entourage movie a few years ago.” Snap, Drafthouse, and one for Wonder Woman! We’ll also take a small popcorn and your largest goblet of male tears. MEANWHILE... As reported last week, Trump’s favorite lickspittle lackey, Jared Kushner, is under investigation for allegedly attempting to set up “a direct line to President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia—a search that in mid-December found him in a room with a Russian banker whose financial institution was deeply intertwined with Russian intelligence,” notes the New York Times. TBH, dears, we’re still caught off guard by this one. Sure, we expected corruption and ineptitude from Trump, but his precious widdle son-in-law being this stupid is... actually kind of impressive? We bet he’s crying up a storm right now, and we bet Ivanka is just coldly staring at him until he stops. Ivanka! Catch a couple of his tears! We need a refill!


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