Lately I, and just about everyone I know, have been on edge, emotionally raw, and feel ready to snap if anyone says the wrong thing. It’s been there for a while thanks to Trump, but since the hate crime on the MAX train, this feeling has really ramped up. What can we do to get back to some kind of normalcy?
Signed,
Every Resident in Portland Right Now
Licensed Professional Counselor Nate Bagley responds: This is what I have felt as well—and many, if not most of the people I know personally and professionally, are having a similar experience.
Unfortunately I don’t think that getting back to a feeling of normalcy is the solution or even an option. In our “normal” world eight months ago, people of color were still being marginalized and disproportionately policed and incarcerated, the transgender community were still fighting for their lives and basic rights, and our planet and its inhabitants were still suffering from our prioritizing of profit above all else.
Since the election, many Portlanders have felt even more marginalized and in danger, while many others have felt a loss of hope and daily have seen things they value become less valued in the policies of our government. For many, the racially motivated attack and murders on the MAX felt like too much to handle and process. We are all grieving.
We tend to feel on edge, raw, and ready to snap, or even traumatized when we perceive our own wellbeing or the wellbeing of those we care about to be threatened, and we feel helpless and like anything we can do won’t make a difference or be enough. When we experience this, it's common for us to fall into one of three patterns; either fleeing (constantly feeling unsettled and unsafe, and changing what we do and where we go because of fear), fighting (feeling constantly almost at a boiling point and experiencing a sense of rage and hatred that we're not accustomed to), or freezing (feeling overwhelmed, numb, and avoiding it all to the extent that we quit looking at the news, try hard not to think about any of it, and pretend that nothing is wrong).
Although we can’t get back to normal, here are some things that we can do to take good care of ourselves and those around us, to feel more of an internal sense of empowerment and meaning, and to actively strive for good:
•Reach out to and connect with those around you. Find your safe people and talk about your feelings, fears or anger, ask them about their feelings, hear and be heard, tell your story and hear their stories, be as open and vulnerable as you can.
•Lean into kindness and compassion toward both ourselves and those around us, whether they are other drivers on the road, co-workers or customers, or people from different backgrounds or with different values or political views.
•Focus on a few things that you can do to resist and stand up for others and what you value. If we try to focus on everything that is wrong at once, we can easily become fatigued, feel overwhelmed and helpless, and wind up doing nothing. Find ways to become involved that are meaningful, help you to have an increased sense of empowerment, and do so at a pace that you can sustain over time. Don’t neglect the ways you used to be engaged or the causes you were involved in before Trump was elected.
•Look for the helpers.Mr. Rogers said that whenever there is a tragedy, we should look for the helpers so we can be reminded that there is hope. On the MAX train, we can look to and remember Taliesin Namkai-Meche, Ricky Best, and Micah Fletcher and their willingness to sacrifice their lives and safety to defend the young girls who were being attacked. We can also look to all of the other passengers on that train who risked their lives, became involved and helped stop the violence and keep those girls safe. We can look to the protesters and activists who regularly risk arrest, and refuse to be silent in the face of fascism, white supremacy, and disregard for people and planet. We can look to all the people of character around us who in their daily personal lives and jobs are actively involved in serving others and standing up for a better world; whether they be a nurse, TriMet driver, classroom volunteer, park ranger, coach, scientist, teacher, or an elected official.
•Practice self-care, do things that are fun, or that you would have had fun doing in the past, even if nothing sounds like fun right now. Sit in the sunshine, look at flowers, read a good book, climb a mountain, eat or cook good food, garden, bike, attend a cultural, community, or religious event, engage in intimate, enjoyable, consensual sex, make or listen to music, take a nap, play with your kids, play with friends, dance. This world needs you and this world needs you well taken care of.
•Resist the natural urge to respond to hate with hate. Hate of hate and those who hate will never overcome hate. Hate will only corrode us from the inside out. Strong, united, involved, compassionate, organized people will prevail.
Nate Bagley serves as clinical director at Bridge City Counseling, where he specializes in working with children, adolescents, and families, and addressing such issues as depression, anxiety, life transition, and family issues with individual adults.