Savage Love Letter of the Day: Getting Off with a Selfish Top

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I’m a poz guy in his 50’s. I live in a city in the middle of America and lost my partner almost nine years ago. I’ve been taking care of an elderly parent and haven’t made time to have a sex life until about six months ago. I joined Adam4Adam and ran into an acquaintance who is also poz who wanted to know if I was interested in “taking loads.” Since we both have undetectable viral loads, I agreed and we’ve been seeing each other ever since at least once a week and sometimes two or three times a week. He’s in an open marriage, I’m not shopping for a husband, and we have common interests besides sex.

Here’s the problem: He fucks me and then we’re done. On three occasions he’s blown me until I came (before fucking me), but otherwise he expresses no interest in my getting off. In fact, when I’ve told him that the fuck was so good I almost came, he has said, “I don’t care. That’s nice for you, though.” The first time we met, he mentioned almost casually that he’s been called a “selfish top.” Not knowing he was really serious, I just sort of said, “No problem.” Did I agree to his being this way by saying that? He’s not generally an asshole, he’s a pretty nice guy, really. So this behavior doesn’t jibe and I’m confused. Could this be a condition of his open marriage? Is not caring if the bottom gets off a fetish of some kind?

If he didn’t fuck so well, I’d have stopped seeing him months ago, but he’s really good. And after an eight-year dry spell, it’s been nice getting laid again. I don’t want to lose what we have so far, but I’m tired of going home unsatisfied and jerking off. Does any of this make sense to you and if so, can you explain it to me?

Hurling Own Loads Elsewhere

Your fuckbuddy was clear-ish about his intentions when he asked if you were "into taking loads," HOLE. And perhaps a little clearer when he said, "I don't care. That's nice for you, though." It would appear you've backed into a sexual relationship with a selfish top, a term with its own Urban Dictionary entry:

"A top who makes sure he is pleased and only cares if he cums [sic] without getting the bottom off

Girl I slept with this guy last night and I spent all night giving him head and letting him top me until he came but then he just got up and left without doing shit for me. Fuck selfish tops"

So, yeah, selfish tops are a thing. He may not be selfish with his primary partner—he and his husband may have mutually satisfying, GGG sex, and he may put some effort and thought into getting his husband off. Who knows? (His husband.) Maybe this is a kink he indulges only with other guys. He could and should seek out guys who are into selfish tops; there are men out there who get off on being used, dig oral and/or anal "no recip" scenes, etc. You're not one of them. I don't know if this guy is an asshole, HOLE, but not making sure servicing a selfish top was okay with you? In clear and unambiguous terms? Definitely an asshole move.

But you kindasorta accidentally consented to this treatment/scene/behavior—sortakindasorta—by "sort of" saying "no problem." You're allowed to withdraw your kindasorta consent at any time, of course, and if sex with this might-be-an-asshole guy is making you unhappy—if taking his loads and being his come dump makes you feel bad/used/unsatisfied—withdraw your consent or renegotiate your deal. If not getting to come yourself during these encounters isn't what you want going forward, HOLE, make your dissatisfaction known and your satisfaction a requirement.

Finally, HOLE, you said he doesn't help you get off but you don't say he objects to you getting yourself off while he fucks you. If the fucking is good and everything else about the dude works for you and he doesn't object to you stroking yourself while he fucks you—some selfish tops don't want the bottom touching himself—then maybe you can work this out. If not, find another fuckbuddy.

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