MONDAY, APRIL 10
“We’ve got essentially two and a half weeks to turn everything around,” a White House staffer tells Politico, referring to the fact that Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, is nearing his 100th day in office—a time when pundits weigh an administration’s early accomplishments! Or, in this case, a lack of accomplishments, due to the fact that Trump’s White House is a shit-smeared clusterfuck. “[Trump’s presidency] has been marred by legislative stumbles, legal setbacks, senior staff kneecapping one another, the resignation of his national security adviser, and near-daily headlines and headaches about links to Russia,” notes Politico, adding that last week, a “tense planning session” took place in the White House in an attempt to make the administration even remotely presentable. Staffers were given “whiteboards, markers, and giant butcher-block-type paper to brainstorm lists of early successes,” according to a source—with one group even getting down on their hands and knees to work on their little arts-and-crafts project in the hallway. “It made me feel like I was back in fifth grade,” a White House aide admitted. The result of this desperate brainstorming sesh? Well... nothing—possibly because Trump’s communication director Mike Dubke told participants that Trump lacks a coherent foreign policy and “There is no Trump doctrine.” And you thought George W. Bush’s art projects were bad. IN RELATED NEWS... Dear god, it’s only been 100 days? It feels like 100 years. We looked in the mirror this morning and saw a bitter, furious crone glaring back at us—her skin like the cracked earth of a sunbaked desert, her eyes clouded and dull, her hair stringy and slack. This is what 100 days has done to us, dears! After 1,360 more, we’re just going to be a skeleton at a keyboard. Maybe because of stress, maybe because of nuclear war. Who knows!