Forty-ish straight white dude here, Dan. I have this weird (possibly misogynistic) belief that, when it comes to sex, I can't win. Actually, I think men in general can't win. Thoughtful, well-meaning men, at least. It comes down to this: During sex, if the man doesn't come, it's the man's fault, because he clearly has problems with his dick and is barely even a man and should be ashamed of himself. If the woman doesn't come, it's also the man's fault, because he's clearly bad at sex and doesn't even care and is barely even a man and should be ashamed of himself.
So, am I a misogynist or just a guy with issues? Any advice for me moving forward?
Yeah, I Got Issues
Forgive me, YIGI, but it's late where I am—it's the cocktail hour here—so I'm not going to a deep dive on your letter and/or take the intentional-or-not MRA bait.
But I will say this...
I have detected some institutional bias at work in the advice racket. I once read an advice column—no time to sift through Google to find it—where the columnist, a Canadian, told a woman whose husband was cheating on her that "real men" don't cheat and that she should divorce the lying bastard. The very next letter in the very same column was from a man whose wife was cheating on him. The columnist told LW2 he had to be doing something wrong—not helping out enough, not being attentive enough, not making an effort to please his wife during sex—otherwise she wouldn't be cheating on him. Husband cheats on wife? His fault. Wife cheats on husband? His fault.
And I'll say this...
I get a lot of letters from women who blame themselves when their men can't come, YIGI, and I get nearly as many letters from men wanting my help convincing their women that it isn't their fault (the women's fault) when they (the men) don't come. Perhaps you've had different experiences? If you've been with women who blamed you when you didn't come and then turned around blamed you when they didn't come, well, that had to be annoying. (Have you been with any women who did that? If so, and again, that had to be annoying. Have you been with any women at all? If not, it's possible your letter is an MRA setup and I took the bait. Dang.) Or maybe you're not referring to any personal experience but to some memes, jokes, comedians, advice columnists, etc., who made you feel this way and not to any personal experience with inability-to-climax/inability-to-induce-climax shaming.
If this has never actually happened to you, let it go. Because men: sometimes we come during sex, sometimes we don't; the number of times we don't tends to increase with age. Same goes for boners: less reliable with age. So focus on the intimacy, connection, and mutual pleasure more, YIGI, and on the spooging less—and find partners who want to focus on the same.
And as for women...
You do know dick alone isn't gonna do it for most women, right? (If you didn't, you know now and you're welcome.) And you're familiar with this, right? (If you weren't, you are now and you're welcome.) And foreplay? And oral, both as foreplay and the main event?
Finally, YIGI, a suggestion if/when you find yourself in bed with a woman and you're having difficultly helping* her come despite knowing all of the above: Ask her if she can make herself come. If she can't, odds are you won't be able to make help her come either—you or anyone else. If she can make herself come, ask her to let you watch her make herself come. Make a close study of what works. If she touches herself in a certain way, learn to touch her that way too and encourage her to touch herself during PIV. If she busts out a vibrator, incorporate that vibrator into PIV and other forms of mutual sex play.
* Remember, straight & bi guys: You're not making her come, you're helping her come.